Change is inevitable but growth is intentional.
Part of coaching is being willing to discover new things about ourselves. Actually, this is part of growing and “adulting” well. One reason we want to know who we are is so we can stay in our best selves. We want to know when we are operating from our heart, instead of manipulating ourselves or others to a place of trying to do something outside of where we should show up in this world.
An example of this is the mother of four children we were talking about last week (Elena is her name for this series). She has been completely overwhelmed and feels like she is operating outside of her comfort zone but knows that she needs to parent her children well.
In reality, the question she is asking herself is, “Why am I on this earth?” She feels like a robot could probably do a better job than she because at this very time she needs a robot to tell her children, “No, not today. Let’s do ___________ (fill in the blank).” She is tired of thinking and feels that her children are enjoying working against her.
Added to this, she feels that she always just needs to keep the house cleaner. (And this is a mantra that many of you who have lived where domestic violence has been a component constantly hear in your head.)
Core Values Index
So, Elena took the Core Values Index which told her she was a “Banker”. A Banker is the person operates out of a love of knowledge and justice. This is a mom who “loves knowledge in order to find excellence, and understands the how and why of things. And justice means that knowledge is available to all and used appropriately.”
Elena loves to read and analyze in order to get the best results possible. Her children, due to their ages, stages and impulsiveness, don’t want to wait for her to read and analyze her thoughts. Ever feel this way? They instead want an instant quick answer, which she is finding exhausting since she is always trying to remember how she acted before to make sure that life is fair for all four children.
Remember: a person who believes in justice will find the saying, “a rule applied for all people the same” is justice. However, she is not often thinking about her own needs for some time to prepare ahead of time. I often hear single parents say that they don’t have the necessary time to get one step ahead of their tribe. I believe that Elena must feel this intensely. She stated it, but in light of her scores, she must feel overwhelmed even more than the other 85% of the population.
Last week when I spoke with Elena, I was talking to her about having a few minutes to herself to pay her bills, organize her home and get things accomplished. But I was not as convinced as I am today that this is essential to her very core that she must be able to have a few minutes each day for personal reflection time. Time where she can gain knowledge, just for her personal well-being. This research time is imperative for Elena and needs to be built in to every day. So, I am asking Elena to fill out a time calendar for how she uses every ½ hour chunk of time during the next week. (Click for a Weekly Schedule [Printable])
We all need to know that what we are doing has meaning for our lives. Just running faster on the hamster wheel of life, does not bring meaning to our lives. It just makes us weary. So, the key for Elena and for you is to figure out what your core values are. And set up your life based on your strengths and knowing that your family members all bring a different set of values and inner strengths. This is the beauty, but all where the rub often comes from. And where we drive ourselves nuts trying to be something or someone we were not meant to be.
You might want to use the same tool.
If you would like help in figuring out your core values and how they pertain to your family life, a family coaching session could be the answer to resolving lots of frustration. Because believe it or not, your family members are not meant to have the same core values that you do. A team operates from very different vantage points, but the key as the parent – is to learn how to be the best you and how to help your children shine forth too. We can help you. If you schedule a family CVI session (usually approximately 3 hours of time is needed) we can help you discover all of your core essentials, your conflict strategies, and figure out some good communication tools together.